Why do we fall?
After Action Report; 1/26/22
Today was long and neurotic. I mis-handled a lot of time & energy by putting out the wrong fires. I don’t like what I do to pay the rent (procurement). The work of facilitating day-to-day operations leaves me feeling numb, as if I am doing something that goes against my nature, rather than challenging myself in the ways I (think I) ought to be challenged. Yet, I cannot quit. This occupation I am enlisted in is my foot in the door, and there is (still) so much to discover and play around with. Right now is the wrong time to jump ship into a robotics start-up; I need at least a year in total at my current employer to find more cancer cells to converse with, new ideas to toy with, and new tools to reinvent my future with.
I would save myself a lot of time, energy, and heartache by using the tools at my disposal to organize my daily responsibilities on the job. Putting out every single fire as they arise is a dumb move: 1) No hierarchy of importance to adhere to, 2) Inconsistent progress on bigger projects due to a series of unpredictable, never-ending, gas fires, and 3) I emit a reputation of a clean-up mommy who exists strictly to mop & sanitize — sorry mom(s), love y’all. When infernos are raging in every direction, then is not the time to distract myself & others with immobilizing stories and jokes. I need their help to efficiently finesse myself out from underneath this mound of burning trash. Once that is under control, then we can sit down criss-cross-mushsauce, roast marshmallows over the simmered flames, and giggle to the thumping rhythm of our hearts.
I ought to reflect on the bigger picture more often, and remind myself that this gig that enrages me so is fleeting…and before I know it I’ll be off sailing to another corner at the edge of the universe puzzled as to why I keep finding myself frazzled in a state of ecstasy & despair. Today, this is what the universe expects me to do to the best of my ability. And tomorrow, my responsibilities may be the same, they may be different, or they may be both — I wait patiently to see what the tide brings in at the dawn of a new day. This gravity well of misery will only swallow me if I stop moving; keep climbing, keep experimenting, keep observing, and keep on evolving until you die — then you have my permission to quit.
Dad really pissed me off for a few minutes. I was recounting this saga of tomfoolery to him, followed by my expressed desire to live in a state of creation & conserve time & radaradarada…
“That sounds like a load of BS to me…but you be you.”
…That just didn’t sit well, probably because I am not used to someone pushing back against that idea. The thought of that moment drips a little bit of hate into my bloodstream, but alas, he said what he said and hearing it from him forces me to get honest with myself. Maybe I am an loon observing a romantic view of our reality through rose-tinted spectacles — a mind high on dope. Just another, “why can’t it be…”, who lacks the grit to show people “here’s what it should, and how it could, be.”
And that’s why I need this job. That’s why I need to be here, in the holy lands of Aztlan. To carry those boats that exercise and strengthen my, “comfortable being uncomfortable” muscle and grass-roots grittiness. What I tell people is worthless in comparison to what I can show them.
Organized, focused, gritty, and grateful to be a part of something I’ll never come close to understanding — but will never not be in awe of. I understand that where I am now is not my final stop, but I realize that this is where I need to be for a time in order to sling-shot myself into the stars. Surprise, surprise, this is real life where the test comes first and the lesson comes second. This is so that the lesson can be faster digested and understood. I am accustomed to a system that flipped that equation in order to instill and strengthen dependency on an entity that is not myself. Thus magnifying my fear of failure as time spent under this umbrella drags on, which in turn dampens the creative, curious, ever-questioning sentient force that resides within us all.
Don’t worry Nick, I haven’t forgotten to leave you with a few departing words of wisdom this time. These scribbles come from a new scribe, Thomas Tull, and I believe that his message will resonate with you until we meet again:
The Grit: I am not in the mood to do this. I do not want to do this. But that is the work that needs to be done. No excuses, no painting yourself in victim colors, no more lectures to by-standers droning on-and-on about the forces outside of your control that have beaten you to your knees. They aren’t keeping you there, that choice was all your own. NO! Cause the outcome, with humility.
